people who need people

In the recent wake of the bake sale, I've come to the conclusion that all is not what it seems to be. and with whom you may ask? Everything. I walked down the street just feeling and listening and in that moment I had all I could ever ask for. Every fiber of my being in harmony, not just harmony but absolute perfect balance. And how do I know this? Because I exist. Existence is perfection. I am seperated from my thoughts, I have finally started to watch them instead of being consumed by them. Life is changing for me now that I am observing. My mind will not use me any more to feed my ego. Ah yes "The Ego." That voice of pain, suffering,indecision. Feeding me negativity and forcing me to question every single aspect of my life. It's still there, but I am now aware. Awareness and Intention are all I can hope to achieve. I sit on the Subway, breathing, being. Every day I will work a little more at accepting the present. We are not our thoughts. We are tricked by the ego into thinking so. At the core of my being I am just that. A being.

mothafucka

As if any of you know what it's like to be a Mother. EVERY SINGLE DAY I deal with this this bullshit-feeding her,changing her diaper, whatever- you name it. I wish I had listened to my Mom, I wish I had listened to my Guidance Counselor,my best friend. WHY did I marry young!? What was my rush!! I used to be beautiful, I used to have charisma. A personality. Now I'm just a "Mother", a suburban one at that. Disgusting. I am disgusted with myself. I'm just like every other bitchy soccer Mom in Connecticut. I even wear those generic solid colored T-shirts with the pocket. Boy, Have I fucking changed. It's like the second I got married to Mark I wasn't allowed to have fun or be my own person. And once they baby came, forget about it. I'm only 34 and I feel like I'm 60 years old living in a nursing home. Shit, now it's too late to do anything I wanted to do. And no, having Children was not my only dream. Yea, ya hear all these stories about Mothers going back to school but when you actually have a child you realize it's damn near impossible. Who's going to watch Tiffany? Me and Mark can't even afford a sitter. Not to mention,the stability and security (and happiness) he promised me when we got married was a total lie. I am exhausted. I am bored. I am terrified of my future. Damn, the baby is crying.

mirror mirror

The reason things from the past hurt me so much is because they hurt "past Izzy." I feel how upset my past self is, how stupid and innocent. Perhaps I am too prideful a person, but I have never been one to forgive and forget. I am hurt deeply by others pasts, things that have been done to me, things I wish could have happened. More so then things in the present. At least in the present I have a chance to rest and digest, to process and act upon my feelings. I feel like my past self is helpless and has no control. This is a terrible burden to live with, as we all know "the past is the past." But what if you can't stop thinking about things. Should I chalk it up to my zany over-analyzing self? Or should I give into the feelings and cut people out of my life? Ah yes but by people I of course mean myself and my reactions. You can't change others but you can change your perception of them. I want to set myself free from this but I don't know how. It is quietly and not so quietly affecting my relationships with others. Do they know? Maybe not. Maybe. If you can't come to terms with the past, you clearly can not be comfortable in the present. Never trust UPS with a package.

below

Dear Maury,
I myself was once a lost soul, a "slut" in a sea of confusion. I was 13 years olds and desperate to get pregnant. I pretty much dropped out of school when I was 12, and lived with my 18 year old boyfriend. Every morning I would wake up,climb out of bed (my boyfriends bathtub:( ) and turn on your show. Those weekday mornings at 10 really got me through some tough times. Anyway, I was 12,sad, bored and confused, so naturally I decided what would be best was for me to have a baby. I needed something to love Maury, something that could truly love me back. Plus babies are so cute, if they're not all fucked up looking and shit. So I started having sex with my boyfriend without protection. This went on for about 3 months and I still wasn't getting pregnant. I decided to step it up a notch and started sleeping with every single man I saw. Yea I got the usual sob story (herpes), but I also learned alot about myself. I learned that poking holes in condoms is a risky and tedious task and I also learned that I have alot of depth and think about things alot. So here I am, 13 and sleeping with practically every man I see and one day I woke up next to my schools 43 year old Janitor and thought to myself. "No. No, Misty you will not do this to yourself any more. You are too young to have a child." But it was too late Maury. One week later I found out I was pregnant. I want to end this on a positive note though. I am now 18 years old and going to Cosmetology school. I am proudly married to that Janitor and have 2 more kids. So thank you Maury, Thank you for changing my life and showing me the true way to love.
Love,
Misty Johnson

onion soup

wow what a mind! Science gives you a brain,your environment gives you a mind. My mind is more often then not my greatest enemy. My tendency to over analyze is slowly but surely killing me and draining me of all my inhibitions. This curse turns into a gift when I listen to friends issues and problems, but when it comes to my own life, over analyzing will do nothing but cause me to make rash and unfair decisions. I wish I could just look at my life as a random third party but ah yes I have something called emotion. So where is the fine line between a healthy thought process and an obsessive negative outlook? Through meditation and a strong subconscious I have begun the long and tedious road of change. Every day for an hour I try to gently push negative thoughts out of my mind. I acknowledge the thought, then let it pass. Easier said then fucking done. To not harp on a frightening thought is one of the hardest things humans can do. Ahhhhhhh I just wish I didn't have any negative thoughts to begin with. I think about a specific thought a hundred times a day and it's exhausting and useless. Worry is a useless emotion. On a lighter note, May has been good to me for quite a few reasons. I finally finished Menopause (thank god) and I got that Golden Retriever I've wanted for weeks. Ever since Larry started traveling for the company,my days and nights are filled with loneliness. This dog will really help keep my company until Larry gets back from Canada. Sure,the kids have been great but they have their own lives, Mom isn't cool enough to spend time with them. Being married isn't what I thought it would be. The brief relief I felt after marriage only lasted a few months. I now feel even more stress and jealously then I felt before. Now that Larry is only home a few days out of the year, I'm just not sure were going to make it. I don't want to be single and old. I love him I just don't think I'm happy.

hoes n toes

Seriously though, he tried to fuck me without a condom and I am so fucking disgusted right now I want to throw up. Whatever he looks like Brenden Fraiser (who I love obviously, hello "blast from the past") but like being beautiful can be a real burden. Men have like no control when they're around me, it's not my fault, I'm really classy and stuff but yea I'm hot. I sent a picture of my left boob to my bf Bobby last year (so over you by the way if you're reading this) and like it got around the school and everyone saw it and thought I was a slut but like maybe I'm just alot more mature then the average junior and ready to accept myself as a SeXuAL being. I think I'm just going to start dating older guys. Not like my Dads age or anything, thats fucking disgusting. But like college guys, guys that can legally buy cigarettes. I just want to be with someone that can appreciate shit and like accept me for who I am, a really hot girl with blonde hair and green eyes. I want the football captain with the heart of gold <3..where's my prince charming!? No but really I am a person with needs and wants and I need to be with a guy who supports my lifestyle and loves me for me. Whatever, not to sound conceited or anything but I want someone who can accept how hot I am and not be so jealous over all the guys that are going to try and get with me (this is why we broke up Bobby btw) so like until I find an older guy that's realllly hot and loves me for my flaws I'm going to keep hooking up with random friends at parties and going to hookah bars.
xoxoxoxo, Ally

meatball madness

Here I am In paradise. Surrounded by lush greens,turquoise ocean,marble floors. I feel mixed emotions. I am so thankful and lucky and in awe that my life has brought me here. I also feel disgusted with myself,disgusted by others staying here. Most of the people of the Dominican Republic are living in poverty and filth, putting on matching hotel outfits every morning and working to cater to our every need. Disgusted as I am by this form of tourism, I have also become aware that without these giant resorts, thousands of people would not have jobs. Usually I could dismiss this feeling by reasoning that "I appreciate it and don't take this experience for granted." I can't do that this time. I am too aware at this point of all the suffering and misery spread across the world. My eyes are too open to the fact that millions of people live without fresh water or food. There is enough food at the breakfast buffet alone to feed this country and perhaps a little of Belize. I am enjoying myself, don't get me wrong. But when I lived in Costa Rica I lived on the other side of tourism. I was pretty much broke, and friends with local people who worked at the major hotels. I heard about the bad pay,the fucked up outfits, the rude rich people from Germany. And here I am, one of them. It's an interesting change, one I'm not sure I could do again. This strange resort life has made me question a lot about myself and the person I hope to become. I suppose what eases my mind is that my Dad is having a great time and hey it's his hard earned money which he can spend however he chooses. All I'm saying is, if they used wood instead of marble for the floors then perhaps less people here would be living in houses made from tin.

ps: I have never seen so many old men in speedos in my life. I can only pray that these images do not haunt me.