TIm Sims.

On my journey of self actualization, I've hit a major bump in the road. How genuine are we as a whole? How much do I practice what I preach? Has my talk of spreading love and positivity all been a lame attempt to cover my flaws and portray a peace loving existencialist? Well, maybe it's not so simple. If I could divide myself up into parts, there would be an infinite amount. Within those parts are even more parts, etc. etc. When it comes to human emotion I believe no feeling is simple enough to define with words. Which is why emotions exist in the first place. I've become frustrated though, trying to decipher how I feel using words. It just doesn't work for me. If I could somehow use interpretive dance in my every day life, that would be swell. But, assuming I can't...now what? Am I left with those same mundane vocabulary words that have become so meaningless over time? It's just not enough. I need a new way to express myself beyond my complaining,internal meditation and incessant doodling. Until I figure it out, I fear I will live in a world shadowed by doubt and confusion...or is this something we can never fully grasp? Am I trying to reach beyond my frame of reference and express myself in ways that are not accessible in this dimension? Yes, I've set myself up for a entry about 2012, but I won't fall into it's trap..this time.

what up gangstAAAA!!!!

This morning as I sat on Jakes couch watching Degrassi, I silently rehashed and contemplated an old and ongoing thought: Why is the media so hell bent on portraying high school characters as teens with the sexual activity of a southern frat, and Jenna Jameson's comfort with casual sex? I remember watching 90210 with Danielle the other night (she only has basic cable OK) and the "popular, beautiful girl" (played by an actress pushing 30 on a good day) made fun of another 15 year old girl for being a virgin. Needless to say, me and Danielle were flabbergasted. This kind of media portrayal of teenage sexuality may be the most damaging and disturbing trend in TV since Family Matters introduced "Stefan Urquelle." It instills a sense of desperation and motivation for High School students to not only become sexually active, but to disregard the beauty of sex and most importantly,IT'S JUST NOT TRUE. How many 15 year olds did you know in High School having one night stands!? Young sexuality in daytime TV has become a blur of devastating pregnancy, schemes to get a morning after pill, and jocks raping shy girls who are pretty but introverted. Once in a blue moon teenage sex is a positive experience for the character, but the character then goes on to become "the sexually active one","the cool one", the mature one who "knows things." Don't get me wrong, sex during the teen years is extremely common and can unfurl in a beautiful and natural way. But let's not forget even younger kids. Middle school kids. And I see its influence everywhere. 12 year old girls who I mistake for 25, 11 year olds feeling pressure to have a guy finally touch their boobs, 13 year old boys trying to have sex before they're even 5 feet tall. Maybe it's weird I'm so passionate about this, seeing as I have no younger siblings or any real ties to "tweens", but I remember being young and feeling the beginning stages of sexual pressure. Pressure to be part of a world and society which I considered so crucial and incumbent in my growth as a young women. In the past 5 or 10 years that sexual pressure continued to grow and grow,until one day a slightly developed 12 year old girl decided to stop being curious and actually give a blowjob to her 15 year old neighbor with severe acne and a sparse mustache that glimmered in the sun. What I'm really saying is that at some recent point the flood gates opened, and they haven't shut. I wish I could tell these kids how incredible it is to be young! A time for scrapped knees and imaginary games where you jump through a sprinkler and you're in a world where flowers can talk. For the love of God, when I was 12 I wore shoes with Velcro.

fuck you Steve Jobs

I'm upset by the lack of control and order I have over my emotions. I used to be able to rely on my impeccable sense of logic to help me through tough emotional times, but I find I use it less and less. My emotional side is beginning to seep into my logical side, and I'm scared that soon I won't be able to trust myself and how I feel about anything. There is a level of self sabotage we all keep buried inside us and fight, but mine has started to claw it's way to the surface. Although I am more confident in my choices then I have ever been, I find I also struggle with my definition of reality. The funny part is that I've never considered myself a dramatic person, in fact..I loathe people who crave and seek out negative drama in their life. Yet it seems I'm creating and building up personal/fictional drama in my head constantly, and not really acknowledging it because my logical side knows it's all bullshit. In conclusion I have no idea how I feel about anything in my life and beyond. I'm going to finish this blunt and shower, and perhaps scrub off a fraction of disdain.

do I even need to write this?

May I also add that I never plan on writing a single entry unless I am under the influence of beautiful,beautiful marijuana. Expect many posts about my soul. Many.

the first wives club was a great movie

Being a young adult is indescribable. An over analyzer by nature,I find myself at times so overwhelmed by my own thoughts and desires that I shut down and become paralyzed by it. Yet I know at the core of my being there is an untouchable part of myself that I have only begun to recognize. A part of myself that is not just mine, but the unspoken connection we all have with each other as humans. There is a part in all of us that remains untouched, free from the lives we have created and settled into, free from predetermined views and media outpour. I know everyone has felt it at some time. For the first time in my life I'm just beginning to view myself as more then just...myself. I'm beginning to see myself more as a spirit on a human journey then just a human "dealing" with this life. I guess what it boils down to is this: If we give ourselves over to the possibility of spiritual eternity, then living as a human is just that much more beautiful.

the last cheeto

I will be using this blog to show off what writing skills I have, and also to reflect upon my fleeting and beautiful youth. I hope to use this as a sort of diary and consistently update it. While I have no single event occurring in my life to blog about, I feel random parts of my life need to be recorded and remembered and uh the internet is the best place to do that? Perhaps not, but perhaps none of us should have worn chokers in seventh grade.