meatball madness

Here I am In paradise. Surrounded by lush greens,turquoise ocean,marble floors. I feel mixed emotions. I am so thankful and lucky and in awe that my life has brought me here. I also feel disgusted with myself,disgusted by others staying here. Most of the people of the Dominican Republic are living in poverty and filth, putting on matching hotel outfits every morning and working to cater to our every need. Disgusted as I am by this form of tourism, I have also become aware that without these giant resorts, thousands of people would not have jobs. Usually I could dismiss this feeling by reasoning that "I appreciate it and don't take this experience for granted." I can't do that this time. I am too aware at this point of all the suffering and misery spread across the world. My eyes are too open to the fact that millions of people live without fresh water or food. There is enough food at the breakfast buffet alone to feed this country and perhaps a little of Belize. I am enjoying myself, don't get me wrong. But when I lived in Costa Rica I lived on the other side of tourism. I was pretty much broke, and friends with local people who worked at the major hotels. I heard about the bad pay,the fucked up outfits, the rude rich people from Germany. And here I am, one of them. It's an interesting change, one I'm not sure I could do again. This strange resort life has made me question a lot about myself and the person I hope to become. I suppose what eases my mind is that my Dad is having a great time and hey it's his hard earned money which he can spend however he chooses. All I'm saying is, if they used wood instead of marble for the floors then perhaps less people here would be living in houses made from tin.

ps: I have never seen so many old men in speedos in my life. I can only pray that these images do not haunt me.

it's 4 30 Am and I'm about to leave for the airport

Perhaps it's as simple as this: I don't like "single ladies" by Beyonce because I myself am not single.

good vibrations

A single touch and I'm melting. Melting into my bed, then the floor, through the floor into the apartment below me,through their floor,into the rich soil of the Earth and then I'm free to let the soil run through my fingers,my hair,my toes. In this moment I feel all I can possibly feel. Sometimes it's as if this moment is brief and strange, but most of the time it's the most beautiful and endless feeling that never goes away but chooses to stay deep below me, in the Earth. I smell the tangy scent of desire and knowledge and I patiently wait until I'm touched again and allowed to sink once more.

toothpaste on a snakeskin rug

I'm not going to shout anyone out and name names cuz like it's fucked up to do shit like that on the internet but like..."he" has been acting really fucking weird lately and I don't think I can handle another dramatic break up. I thought when we first met he understood me and got me. But ever since he switched schools it feels like he's a different person and we can't agree on anything anymore. I asked for a Tiffanys necklace for Xmas and he got me a fucking Sugar Ray CD. No, I didn't get him anything but I've been such an awesome GF and since when did that become not enough? Don't get me wrong, I love pizza, but not every fucking time we hang out. Ew, last time we ate pizza he had cheese and sauce like everywhere I felt like I was with a fucking 5 year old it was disgusting. Seriously though, I'm not an especially high maintenance girl or anything I just want to be with someone who buys me expensive things pretty often. Is that so crazy!? Every girl wants to be treated like a princess by her prince <3...But honestly he better get his shit together because like no offense but I'm realllllly hot and he's just kind of hot sooo he's really lucky to be with me, no offense to anyone reading this who's only kind of hot too. Whateverrr, High School drama is soo stupid and I just want to have fun and party alot with my gurls. I'm not gonna break up with him or anything, I can't handle the stress of that when Finals are like a week away. I'll deal with his bullshit another week then he's out of my life foreverrrr.

being Jewish has its ups and downs

I watched eraserhead for the first time last night. Cream of wheat came out of the mutant babies stomach after his Father stabbed him in the lung. I can't get this image out of my head. I am a person sensitive to texture. As the screams of the baby turned into a soft gurgle I closed my eyes and pictured that beautiful day from so very long ago. A special kind of warmth that sinks into just the right places and seems to literally warm your heart. Sometimes things are darker shades,often they seem light as a feather. If reality is an illusion created by our egos, then what are we really looking at? Man created the concept of sight,our collective unconscious decides what beauty is. Light and dark hold much stronger meanings then we understand. The name Chet is just...disgusting. We're running out of fossil fuels at an alarming rate, and nobody seems to be addressing it. Our environment has become the lame,slightly over weight step-sister to the economy. GIRLS GONE WILD,SPRING BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

honey bunch

My vagina is famous. kind of. Immortal now,at best. It has been mentioned in a rap song. I saw a documentary called "Guys and Dolls" about men who buy 100 pound dolls that look and feel exactly like beautiful young women. I would fuck a doll, what's the big deal? This documentary was disturbing though, because it showed 4 men who used these dolls for more then sexual pleasure..they loved their dolls and treated them like organic women with souls and insight. I feel a hopeless sense of sadness for those who live lives of such intricate loneliness. I also fear becoming one of these people. Loneliness is far more then just being alone alot, it's a deafening reminder of your place in society or rather, where your place is not in society. I don't know how to entertain myself anymore, I used to be able to. I love to be alone and explore and wander alone, but I find myself wondering why in fact I actually am alone. What does it mean to not have another human being by your side? Is it tragic or just the way life is? Things are changing, cosmic and spiritual forces are slowly merging to create a new dimension. Soon we will all be thinking on a higher spiritual plane and communicating in ways we can't even imagine,as they don't exist within our human minds. I am sad today, I know exactly why. I would like to fuck a doll that looks like Shaft.