Brian Wilson

hello Professor Longus,

I write this letter to you by candlelight, as the power has cut off in the girls dormatory. Forgive me for spelling errors, seeing as you are an English teacher and all. Over the course of last term I began to feel..feelings for you. Feel emotion beyond the admiration and respect the other pupils have for you. I feel as if I am developing strong and loving feelings for you Professor, feelings I can no longer mask. I also suspect you reciprocate these feelings to an extent, and if I am wrong I apologize for my assumption. I only speak of this because of the way your eyes seem to shimmer when I walk into the classroom, and the times I caught you staring at my blouse. Your soothing and beautiful way with words and poetry brings a tear to my eye, as well as your commitment to Shakespeare. I am Juliet, Professor Longus and you are my Romeo. Perhaps I am being too bold but dare I suggest we meet one night for "extra credit" and see what power the moon has over our desires? The other issue of course is your Wife and Mother to your children, Prudence. I will never forget meeting Prudence at the school Christmas party and staring in disbelief at the women you had bethrothed. Rude as it may sound, she resembles the frog I dissected in lab last week. Oh Professor, I long for you to read poetry to me, for your strong and masculine arms to hold me. I dream of you every night and even keep a small picture of Shakespeare in my locker as a tribute to you. Please have the courage to write back to me. I love you Professor Longus.

Love eternally,

Abigal Porter

barely legal

damn my mom is such a fucking bitch. she thinks she can control me and shit, i dont fucking think so. i'm a grown ass women and i can do whatever the fuck i want whenever i want. if i wanna stay out and get drunk with my friends whats the big deal??? i'm young n sexy and i wanna be wild before i'm all old and shit. if i wanna fuck some guys its cool because i use condoms and even when i dont they pull out so im gonna be fine. i told my mom that and she started to cry! would she rather have a lame ass virgin daughter who cant fuck?? shit, i dont even understand the big deal. i aint addicted to shit and i'm not homeless so whats wrong with a little drinkin n fuckin once and a while?? a little weed here and there also,maybe some coke but only for special occasions like xmas and shit. i'm about to punch my mom in the fucking face and she deserves it seriously for trying to control me like hitler and shit. I AM 16 YEARS OLD, I AINT 12!!!!! my mom should be proud to have such a sexy daughter..i mean i look good what can i say, it aint my fault men like to look at my body and shit. if i wanna wear a bikini top around detroit i can cuz i look good and i dress however the fuck i want. my moms so fucked up, shes jealous of me or something cuz shes all old and boring now and i get men everywhere i go.

animal crackers

Every once and a while I like to go down to Pawtucket River and skip stones. On friday nights I usually go down to "Bessies Bar"for a whiskey or 2. Same thing Saturday and Sunday night for the most part. Got me a real nice women at home,Laura Sue. Used to be a real beauty for she had kids. Sometimes I get a glimpse of how she looked back in High School,prettier then a rose that girl was. Life on the road aint easy, don't get me wrong. I'm gone every couple a weeks,delivering all kinds of shit to every place imaginable. My specialty is Arcade Machines. Those shits is heavy and not every guy can handle one. I remember one time I dropped one on my foot and broke it. John Harrow had a real hoot n holler that day. See,me and John been in a competition of sorts for damn near 3 years. He thinks he can drive faster and further then me,but anyone who seen me drive knows damn well I drive faster then a tumbleweed in a hurricane. He beat me once, and that sonofabitch will never let anyone forget it. 

Chubby Checker

Sometimes at night It's as if I can feel Jesus's spirit inside me. He tells me to do things and I just know I have been chosen to be his loyal and faithful follower and companion. Jesus doesn't just go around talking to anyone and guiding them! I have been selected from billions of people to represent the Lord and savior himself. When I speak to him it's as if he's already inside my mind, he consumes and rules me and allows me to carry out his plans. Jesus has many plans for all kinds of people. Why, just the other day his voice popped into my head and I felt a tingle down my spine. He told me to go next door to Mr. Lawsons house and of course I obeyed. Well what do you know, Mr. Lawson was passed out cold on his kitchen floor. Looked like he had slipped on something and hit his head. Well, I went over to him and placed my pure and Christian hands against his chest and I felt his holy spirit consume me. I became Jesus in that moment and brought back Mr. Lawson with the greatest of ease. He was so startled and scared all he could manage to say was "thank you." I just laughed with a gleam in my eye-"don't thank me...thank Jesus."

people who need people

In the recent wake of the bake sale, I've come to the conclusion that all is not what it seems to be. and with whom you may ask? Everything. I walked down the street just feeling and listening and in that moment I had all I could ever ask for. Every fiber of my being in harmony, not just harmony but absolute perfect balance. And how do I know this? Because I exist. Existence is perfection. I am seperated from my thoughts, I have finally started to watch them instead of being consumed by them. Life is changing for me now that I am observing. My mind will not use me any more to feed my ego. Ah yes "The Ego." That voice of pain, suffering,indecision. Feeding me negativity and forcing me to question every single aspect of my life. It's still there, but I am now aware. Awareness and Intention are all I can hope to achieve. I sit on the Subway, breathing, being. Every day I will work a little more at accepting the present. We are not our thoughts. We are tricked by the ego into thinking so. At the core of my being I am just that. A being.

mothafucka

As if any of you know what it's like to be a Mother. EVERY SINGLE DAY I deal with this this bullshit-feeding her,changing her diaper, whatever- you name it. I wish I had listened to my Mom, I wish I had listened to my Guidance Counselor,my best friend. WHY did I marry young!? What was my rush!! I used to be beautiful, I used to have charisma. A personality. Now I'm just a "Mother", a suburban one at that. Disgusting. I am disgusted with myself. I'm just like every other bitchy soccer Mom in Connecticut. I even wear those generic solid colored T-shirts with the pocket. Boy, Have I fucking changed. It's like the second I got married to Mark I wasn't allowed to have fun or be my own person. And once they baby came, forget about it. I'm only 34 and I feel like I'm 60 years old living in a nursing home. Shit, now it's too late to do anything I wanted to do. And no, having Children was not my only dream. Yea, ya hear all these stories about Mothers going back to school but when you actually have a child you realize it's damn near impossible. Who's going to watch Tiffany? Me and Mark can't even afford a sitter. Not to mention,the stability and security (and happiness) he promised me when we got married was a total lie. I am exhausted. I am bored. I am terrified of my future. Damn, the baby is crying.

mirror mirror

The reason things from the past hurt me so much is because they hurt "past Izzy." I feel how upset my past self is, how stupid and innocent. Perhaps I am too prideful a person, but I have never been one to forgive and forget. I am hurt deeply by others pasts, things that have been done to me, things I wish could have happened. More so then things in the present. At least in the present I have a chance to rest and digest, to process and act upon my feelings. I feel like my past self is helpless and has no control. This is a terrible burden to live with, as we all know "the past is the past." But what if you can't stop thinking about things. Should I chalk it up to my zany over-analyzing self? Or should I give into the feelings and cut people out of my life? Ah yes but by people I of course mean myself and my reactions. You can't change others but you can change your perception of them. I want to set myself free from this but I don't know how. It is quietly and not so quietly affecting my relationships with others. Do they know? Maybe not. Maybe. If you can't come to terms with the past, you clearly can not be comfortable in the present. Never trust UPS with a package.

below

Dear Maury,
I myself was once a lost soul, a "slut" in a sea of confusion. I was 13 years olds and desperate to get pregnant. I pretty much dropped out of school when I was 12, and lived with my 18 year old boyfriend. Every morning I would wake up,climb out of bed (my boyfriends bathtub:( ) and turn on your show. Those weekday mornings at 10 really got me through some tough times. Anyway, I was 12,sad, bored and confused, so naturally I decided what would be best was for me to have a baby. I needed something to love Maury, something that could truly love me back. Plus babies are so cute, if they're not all fucked up looking and shit. So I started having sex with my boyfriend without protection. This went on for about 3 months and I still wasn't getting pregnant. I decided to step it up a notch and started sleeping with every single man I saw. Yea I got the usual sob story (herpes), but I also learned alot about myself. I learned that poking holes in condoms is a risky and tedious task and I also learned that I have alot of depth and think about things alot. So here I am, 13 and sleeping with practically every man I see and one day I woke up next to my schools 43 year old Janitor and thought to myself. "No. No, Misty you will not do this to yourself any more. You are too young to have a child." But it was too late Maury. One week later I found out I was pregnant. I want to end this on a positive note though. I am now 18 years old and going to Cosmetology school. I am proudly married to that Janitor and have 2 more kids. So thank you Maury, Thank you for changing my life and showing me the true way to love.
Love,
Misty Johnson

onion soup

wow what a mind! Science gives you a brain,your environment gives you a mind. My mind is more often then not my greatest enemy. My tendency to over analyze is slowly but surely killing me and draining me of all my inhibitions. This curse turns into a gift when I listen to friends issues and problems, but when it comes to my own life, over analyzing will do nothing but cause me to make rash and unfair decisions. I wish I could just look at my life as a random third party but ah yes I have something called emotion. So where is the fine line between a healthy thought process and an obsessive negative outlook? Through meditation and a strong subconscious I have begun the long and tedious road of change. Every day for an hour I try to gently push negative thoughts out of my mind. I acknowledge the thought, then let it pass. Easier said then fucking done. To not harp on a frightening thought is one of the hardest things humans can do. Ahhhhhhh I just wish I didn't have any negative thoughts to begin with. I think about a specific thought a hundred times a day and it's exhausting and useless. Worry is a useless emotion. On a lighter note, May has been good to me for quite a few reasons. I finally finished Menopause (thank god) and I got that Golden Retriever I've wanted for weeks. Ever since Larry started traveling for the company,my days and nights are filled with loneliness. This dog will really help keep my company until Larry gets back from Canada. Sure,the kids have been great but they have their own lives, Mom isn't cool enough to spend time with them. Being married isn't what I thought it would be. The brief relief I felt after marriage only lasted a few months. I now feel even more stress and jealously then I felt before. Now that Larry is only home a few days out of the year, I'm just not sure were going to make it. I don't want to be single and old. I love him I just don't think I'm happy.

hoes n toes

Seriously though, he tried to fuck me without a condom and I am so fucking disgusted right now I want to throw up. Whatever he looks like Brenden Fraiser (who I love obviously, hello "blast from the past") but like being beautiful can be a real burden. Men have like no control when they're around me, it's not my fault, I'm really classy and stuff but yea I'm hot. I sent a picture of my left boob to my bf Bobby last year (so over you by the way if you're reading this) and like it got around the school and everyone saw it and thought I was a slut but like maybe I'm just alot more mature then the average junior and ready to accept myself as a SeXuAL being. I think I'm just going to start dating older guys. Not like my Dads age or anything, thats fucking disgusting. But like college guys, guys that can legally buy cigarettes. I just want to be with someone that can appreciate shit and like accept me for who I am, a really hot girl with blonde hair and green eyes. I want the football captain with the heart of gold <3..where's my prince charming!? No but really I am a person with needs and wants and I need to be with a guy who supports my lifestyle and loves me for me. Whatever, not to sound conceited or anything but I want someone who can accept how hot I am and not be so jealous over all the guys that are going to try and get with me (this is why we broke up Bobby btw) so like until I find an older guy that's realllly hot and loves me for my flaws I'm going to keep hooking up with random friends at parties and going to hookah bars.
xoxoxoxo, Ally

meatball madness

Here I am In paradise. Surrounded by lush greens,turquoise ocean,marble floors. I feel mixed emotions. I am so thankful and lucky and in awe that my life has brought me here. I also feel disgusted with myself,disgusted by others staying here. Most of the people of the Dominican Republic are living in poverty and filth, putting on matching hotel outfits every morning and working to cater to our every need. Disgusted as I am by this form of tourism, I have also become aware that without these giant resorts, thousands of people would not have jobs. Usually I could dismiss this feeling by reasoning that "I appreciate it and don't take this experience for granted." I can't do that this time. I am too aware at this point of all the suffering and misery spread across the world. My eyes are too open to the fact that millions of people live without fresh water or food. There is enough food at the breakfast buffet alone to feed this country and perhaps a little of Belize. I am enjoying myself, don't get me wrong. But when I lived in Costa Rica I lived on the other side of tourism. I was pretty much broke, and friends with local people who worked at the major hotels. I heard about the bad pay,the fucked up outfits, the rude rich people from Germany. And here I am, one of them. It's an interesting change, one I'm not sure I could do again. This strange resort life has made me question a lot about myself and the person I hope to become. I suppose what eases my mind is that my Dad is having a great time and hey it's his hard earned money which he can spend however he chooses. All I'm saying is, if they used wood instead of marble for the floors then perhaps less people here would be living in houses made from tin.

ps: I have never seen so many old men in speedos in my life. I can only pray that these images do not haunt me.

it's 4 30 Am and I'm about to leave for the airport

Perhaps it's as simple as this: I don't like "single ladies" by Beyonce because I myself am not single.

good vibrations

A single touch and I'm melting. Melting into my bed, then the floor, through the floor into the apartment below me,through their floor,into the rich soil of the Earth and then I'm free to let the soil run through my fingers,my hair,my toes. In this moment I feel all I can possibly feel. Sometimes it's as if this moment is brief and strange, but most of the time it's the most beautiful and endless feeling that never goes away but chooses to stay deep below me, in the Earth. I smell the tangy scent of desire and knowledge and I patiently wait until I'm touched again and allowed to sink once more.

toothpaste on a snakeskin rug

I'm not going to shout anyone out and name names cuz like it's fucked up to do shit like that on the internet but like..."he" has been acting really fucking weird lately and I don't think I can handle another dramatic break up. I thought when we first met he understood me and got me. But ever since he switched schools it feels like he's a different person and we can't agree on anything anymore. I asked for a Tiffanys necklace for Xmas and he got me a fucking Sugar Ray CD. No, I didn't get him anything but I've been such an awesome GF and since when did that become not enough? Don't get me wrong, I love pizza, but not every fucking time we hang out. Ew, last time we ate pizza he had cheese and sauce like everywhere I felt like I was with a fucking 5 year old it was disgusting. Seriously though, I'm not an especially high maintenance girl or anything I just want to be with someone who buys me expensive things pretty often. Is that so crazy!? Every girl wants to be treated like a princess by her prince <3...But honestly he better get his shit together because like no offense but I'm realllllly hot and he's just kind of hot sooo he's really lucky to be with me, no offense to anyone reading this who's only kind of hot too. Whateverrr, High School drama is soo stupid and I just want to have fun and party alot with my gurls. I'm not gonna break up with him or anything, I can't handle the stress of that when Finals are like a week away. I'll deal with his bullshit another week then he's out of my life foreverrrr.

being Jewish has its ups and downs

I watched eraserhead for the first time last night. Cream of wheat came out of the mutant babies stomach after his Father stabbed him in the lung. I can't get this image out of my head. I am a person sensitive to texture. As the screams of the baby turned into a soft gurgle I closed my eyes and pictured that beautiful day from so very long ago. A special kind of warmth that sinks into just the right places and seems to literally warm your heart. Sometimes things are darker shades,often they seem light as a feather. If reality is an illusion created by our egos, then what are we really looking at? Man created the concept of sight,our collective unconscious decides what beauty is. Light and dark hold much stronger meanings then we understand. The name Chet is just...disgusting. We're running out of fossil fuels at an alarming rate, and nobody seems to be addressing it. Our environment has become the lame,slightly over weight step-sister to the economy. GIRLS GONE WILD,SPRING BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

honey bunch

My vagina is famous. kind of. Immortal now,at best. It has been mentioned in a rap song. I saw a documentary called "Guys and Dolls" about men who buy 100 pound dolls that look and feel exactly like beautiful young women. I would fuck a doll, what's the big deal? This documentary was disturbing though, because it showed 4 men who used these dolls for more then sexual pleasure..they loved their dolls and treated them like organic women with souls and insight. I feel a hopeless sense of sadness for those who live lives of such intricate loneliness. I also fear becoming one of these people. Loneliness is far more then just being alone alot, it's a deafening reminder of your place in society or rather, where your place is not in society. I don't know how to entertain myself anymore, I used to be able to. I love to be alone and explore and wander alone, but I find myself wondering why in fact I actually am alone. What does it mean to not have another human being by your side? Is it tragic or just the way life is? Things are changing, cosmic and spiritual forces are slowly merging to create a new dimension. Soon we will all be thinking on a higher spiritual plane and communicating in ways we can't even imagine,as they don't exist within our human minds. I am sad today, I know exactly why. I would like to fuck a doll that looks like Shaft.

noooooooogie!!!!!!!

When I was younger I was even weirder then I am now. Me and Shauna had huge imaginations, and were lucky enough to have equally weird parents who encouraged us to be as free spirited as we wanted. Shauna was missing her 2 front teeth for most of elementary school, since her older sister pushed her off a stool and they got knocked out. One day we were walking home from school, we must have been 8 or 9 and we passed by the local park. We saw a man with a shovel burying something and though this memory is vague,for some reason the scene was cool enough to make us want to go back there with my Dad and dig up what the man had buried. What we uncovered is to this day, the most bizarre items our nimble hands could have found. 2 voodoo dolls,one blue and one yellow. They were tied together back to back with 2 slices of apple in between them. There were also 2 pictures of young women with creole writing on the back of them. My Dad wouldn't let us touch them and instead prodded them with his shovel. Out came a thick, yellow liquid as my Dad swiftly flung the dolls into the flowing River. We shall never know who those women were or what the dolls truly represented, but a small part of me fears that because we messed with the ritual, we have a certain voodoo curse upon us! Shauna also wore black converses every day. When She came to Upper Nyack Elementary school she brought along a new fad. Everywhere you turned kids started singing "stop! in the naaame of loove", because Shauna had introduced my class to it. Once we made a short film entitled "hell in a nut shell." All I remember is Shauna played a jealous ex boyfriend and wore a disgusting wig that looked like Liza Minnelli after a night of fucking a muppet. We took acting classes with an emotionally unstable wide hipped women name Vicki. She shook her ass violently once at a Siggelkow Christmas party while her husband played Beatles songs on the piano. We used to go to Temptations after school and Shauna used to always order the pasta of the day and it was always the same. Plain shells with butter. The coolest thing about us though was our love for the Chronicles of Narnia. Not the books, but the cheap and horribly made 80's movie version. People were dressed up as the beavers. They wore furry costumes and Lucy had buck teeth and there was Turkish Delight as far as the eye could see. Mounds and mounds of it. Piled high like a CIA satellite dish, hitting the stars but going right through them.

strokes for folks

jingle jangle baby, jingle jangle! I like to picture a homeless black man dressed as Santa Claus, holding a little Christmas bell and shaking it in children's faces, his eyes yellow and vacant from cirrhosis and general insanity. Each child that walks by gets a special treat when said homeless man shouts JINGLE JANGLE BABY, JINGLE JANGLE!!, furiously rocking the bell back and forth, holding out a paper cup that says "Jesus loves the homeless."
I feel really good about my life right now, but I'm terrified of the future in ways I never thought imaginable. I'm afraid of everything from never getting married to running out of fresh water and crops. It's so hard to relax and live in the moment, no matter how much I know it's the healthiest and most fulfilling way to live. Of course, we all as humans have a general fear of the unknown...but when does it become obsessive and damaging? I once heard that roughly 95% of thought is either fear about the past or the future. Think about it..how often does a thought pass through your head that pertains to now. right now. right right now. I feel like my mind is constantly rotting and ripening, shifting every second to a different plane of time,a different mentality, choosing it's shape. If I was a romance novel writer my pen name would be "Isabel Rose."

sinus infection,magic mushrooms,foot acne

"it's raining men yea but we don't give a fuck
you won't see me out there with a rubber duck"
(sneak preview of me and Christina's future hit single "it's raining men")

music,music everywhere and not a drop to drink. This is how I've been feeling lately. Like musically I'm completely out of the game and letting less talented and more obnoxious girls take my place. it is of course, my fault. I could have easily pursued singing and kept it as a hobby but uhhh I started smoking massive amounts of marijuana? Either way, I've let this passion go for the time being but it still hurts to hear a tone deaf bitch sing a song I could harmonize to perfectly. Kind of pretentious I know...but fuck it, it's my blog and I shall write anything I choose! I had a great weekend...got to chill with some old time buddies from Nam, my fantastic Father and even Jake came from the rural confines of Brooklyn. I had it all Peg, ya shoulda seen me out there, dancing,spinning, like a dreidel on the first night of Hanukkah..These old gams of mine used to pay the rent in tips alone. Either way you look at it,Burt Reynolds had a great mustache and a hell of a career. And thats why, thats really why..Rosie will never be sexually attractive, even to the Queen herself,Jodie Foster. Have you ever thought about sex as the only way to physically connect yourself to someone? If you have not you should not if you should not you always should and if you have then...shit.

who is the real Jose Luiz?

When I sit on the subway I like to look at Womens hands and see who's wearing a wedding and/or engagement ring. I often have to mentally picture my body turned towards theirs, so I can figure out if the ring is indeed on their left hand and they are betrothed. Jose Luiz (aka our good friend Ed) brought up a good thought. "Human behavioral patterns around puddles:" Who jumps, who glances at it and tries to get around, who dives right into the watery mess. I try to live my life constantly studying anthropology and it's turned riding the subway into a funded liberal organizations way of dissecting the human condition. The man with the tattoo on his face, the girl with huge lips smeared in red, the abusive ghetto ass mom trying to quietly smack her kids. The shit I've learned about humans from the subway alone calls for a celebration.
1) Everyone is slightly hurt when a person sitting next to them jumps up at the first sign of another vacant seat
2) Some couples choose to be really sexual in front of everyone. Mostly they are young Latinos.
3) I always feel really weird and sad when beggers get on the train and there are little kids around just watching them, confused.
4) The meaning of molestation has drastically changed in my book, or else I guess I get molested a little every day by whatever black man stands directly behind me on the 4/5.
5) ooooh girllll shock me like an electric eel! Babyguuurl, turn me on with your electric feel!

puedo hablar con tizan por favor

My life is a blur of Massage school,blunts,friends and incredible sex. I feel totally unfulfilled and lazy, I feel totally complete and incredibly joyous. I'm in such an exiting and exhilarating part of my life. I feel so much existential angst and yet as a person I feel my life is pretty fucking sweet. Every day I try to pick apart the beautiful parts of my existence and surroundings and not take things for granted. Easier said then done, but yet by even being aware of this goal I am accomplishing it. I'm so proud and lucky to have amazing people in my life and I am reminded of this every day when I receive text messages such as "find your panties and get the fuck outta my truuuck." Basically, I couldn't be more content with my environment and outside influence. It's only my head that needs guidance...eh, maybe that never changes.

TIm Sims.

On my journey of self actualization, I've hit a major bump in the road. How genuine are we as a whole? How much do I practice what I preach? Has my talk of spreading love and positivity all been a lame attempt to cover my flaws and portray a peace loving existencialist? Well, maybe it's not so simple. If I could divide myself up into parts, there would be an infinite amount. Within those parts are even more parts, etc. etc. When it comes to human emotion I believe no feeling is simple enough to define with words. Which is why emotions exist in the first place. I've become frustrated though, trying to decipher how I feel using words. It just doesn't work for me. If I could somehow use interpretive dance in my every day life, that would be swell. But, assuming I can't...now what? Am I left with those same mundane vocabulary words that have become so meaningless over time? It's just not enough. I need a new way to express myself beyond my complaining,internal meditation and incessant doodling. Until I figure it out, I fear I will live in a world shadowed by doubt and confusion...or is this something we can never fully grasp? Am I trying to reach beyond my frame of reference and express myself in ways that are not accessible in this dimension? Yes, I've set myself up for a entry about 2012, but I won't fall into it's trap..this time.

what up gangstAAAA!!!!

This morning as I sat on Jakes couch watching Degrassi, I silently rehashed and contemplated an old and ongoing thought: Why is the media so hell bent on portraying high school characters as teens with the sexual activity of a southern frat, and Jenna Jameson's comfort with casual sex? I remember watching 90210 with Danielle the other night (she only has basic cable OK) and the "popular, beautiful girl" (played by an actress pushing 30 on a good day) made fun of another 15 year old girl for being a virgin. Needless to say, me and Danielle were flabbergasted. This kind of media portrayal of teenage sexuality may be the most damaging and disturbing trend in TV since Family Matters introduced "Stefan Urquelle." It instills a sense of desperation and motivation for High School students to not only become sexually active, but to disregard the beauty of sex and most importantly,IT'S JUST NOT TRUE. How many 15 year olds did you know in High School having one night stands!? Young sexuality in daytime TV has become a blur of devastating pregnancy, schemes to get a morning after pill, and jocks raping shy girls who are pretty but introverted. Once in a blue moon teenage sex is a positive experience for the character, but the character then goes on to become "the sexually active one","the cool one", the mature one who "knows things." Don't get me wrong, sex during the teen years is extremely common and can unfurl in a beautiful and natural way. But let's not forget even younger kids. Middle school kids. And I see its influence everywhere. 12 year old girls who I mistake for 25, 11 year olds feeling pressure to have a guy finally touch their boobs, 13 year old boys trying to have sex before they're even 5 feet tall. Maybe it's weird I'm so passionate about this, seeing as I have no younger siblings or any real ties to "tweens", but I remember being young and feeling the beginning stages of sexual pressure. Pressure to be part of a world and society which I considered so crucial and incumbent in my growth as a young women. In the past 5 or 10 years that sexual pressure continued to grow and grow,until one day a slightly developed 12 year old girl decided to stop being curious and actually give a blowjob to her 15 year old neighbor with severe acne and a sparse mustache that glimmered in the sun. What I'm really saying is that at some recent point the flood gates opened, and they haven't shut. I wish I could tell these kids how incredible it is to be young! A time for scrapped knees and imaginary games where you jump through a sprinkler and you're in a world where flowers can talk. For the love of God, when I was 12 I wore shoes with Velcro.

fuck you Steve Jobs

I'm upset by the lack of control and order I have over my emotions. I used to be able to rely on my impeccable sense of logic to help me through tough emotional times, but I find I use it less and less. My emotional side is beginning to seep into my logical side, and I'm scared that soon I won't be able to trust myself and how I feel about anything. There is a level of self sabotage we all keep buried inside us and fight, but mine has started to claw it's way to the surface. Although I am more confident in my choices then I have ever been, I find I also struggle with my definition of reality. The funny part is that I've never considered myself a dramatic person, in fact..I loathe people who crave and seek out negative drama in their life. Yet it seems I'm creating and building up personal/fictional drama in my head constantly, and not really acknowledging it because my logical side knows it's all bullshit. In conclusion I have no idea how I feel about anything in my life and beyond. I'm going to finish this blunt and shower, and perhaps scrub off a fraction of disdain.

do I even need to write this?

May I also add that I never plan on writing a single entry unless I am under the influence of beautiful,beautiful marijuana. Expect many posts about my soul. Many.

the first wives club was a great movie

Being a young adult is indescribable. An over analyzer by nature,I find myself at times so overwhelmed by my own thoughts and desires that I shut down and become paralyzed by it. Yet I know at the core of my being there is an untouchable part of myself that I have only begun to recognize. A part of myself that is not just mine, but the unspoken connection we all have with each other as humans. There is a part in all of us that remains untouched, free from the lives we have created and settled into, free from predetermined views and media outpour. I know everyone has felt it at some time. For the first time in my life I'm just beginning to view myself as more then just...myself. I'm beginning to see myself more as a spirit on a human journey then just a human "dealing" with this life. I guess what it boils down to is this: If we give ourselves over to the possibility of spiritual eternity, then living as a human is just that much more beautiful.

the last cheeto

I will be using this blog to show off what writing skills I have, and also to reflect upon my fleeting and beautiful youth. I hope to use this as a sort of diary and consistently update it. While I have no single event occurring in my life to blog about, I feel random parts of my life need to be recorded and remembered and uh the internet is the best place to do that? Perhaps not, but perhaps none of us should have worn chokers in seventh grade.